If only, If only
by skrewtkeeper
Summary: What is one to do when love can no longer be expressed? AD/MM madness continues.....


**a/n:** _Flaming may be necessary because I wrote this quite a while ago, and my skills have improved by an awful lot since then. I do not own Albus Dumbledore, nor do I own Minerva McGonagall, which is quite sad in my opinion. If I had them, they would have been married clear at the start of it all..._ :D

**If only, If only...**

I see you from afar. I smile secretly, knowing just how beautiful you are. The way your light green eyes sparkle melt my heart, and make me wish I had you forever in your arms. You have a dignified look about you, and it just makes you seem as though you concentrate on every detail, fixing them in your mind.

You do not see me, but you do watch the sun set. You are alone, and the wind tosses your hair in such a way that I could never manage with my many playful ruffling through your tresses. The dress you wear is not of usual green; it is of black, and I find the change of color on you pleasing in my eyes. Regardless, anything on you is pleasing to me! You are as beautiful as the day before, and I treasure every instance I see you, but at a price. Your eyes reflect pain and sorrow, and they cause me to grieve for you.

I lean back against the beech tree that had been planted over sixty-some odd years ago when you first stepped foot in Hogwarts. Yes, I watched you then. With ever-increasing interest, I watched you, learning as a student your age would. Your eyes were alight with curiosity, and none other student shared such insightful eyes as yours. You took in everything as an adult would, and that not only impressed me, but I have to say it reminded me of a long-forgotten emotion that I never showed to anyone but you and you alone. Back in those days, a colleague/student relationship was not against the rules, but I resisted putting you in such a position at your young age with ease. I would never seek after such a serious thing when you were so young and naïve, so rest assured. I cannot say that I did not love you then though.

Your sigh brings me back to that Beech Tree. The sun's retreating gaze, reflected on the lake, reveal your eyes more pronouncedly. Your eyes sparkle with tears as you gasp in pain and sorrow. If only I could hold you in my arms to reassure you, if only I could kiss you as in the olden days, once we discovered the love we shared for one another. _If only_.

I stroll up towards you, tears threatening to fall from my own eyes as I finally realize the proximity of pain you are enduring. You shake with sobs, and no one is there for you. I knew it was to be like this, but it aggrieved me when I remembered I had not confided the things I wished. You loved me, and I loved you, but there was one thing I had conveniently 'forgotten' to mention to you. You do not know why things are this way, and I have shamefully left you in the dark as I had everyone else. How you now viewed Snape was entirely my fault. Guilt overrode me, and an impulse of putting my arms around you surged forth from within me. I remembered with awful truth that it would be a gesture unseen, as a confession of love often was. A gesture that you could never feel, no matter how forcefully I held you. A gesture that would fail in ways that I knew with a surety that my presence would unquestionably relieve-by sight and sensation.

We have been through a lot, but I let this fall upon you unexpectedly, thinking that it would save you from a world of anguish and emptiness, but alas, I was wrong again. The facts weighed heavily upon you, and I watched from a closer aspect of how many tears streamed down your face, not knowing what to do. You needed something that I could no longer give, and this troubled me. The way your loving smile took my breath away would never again occur, for I no longer had enough of one thing you so desperately needed at this moment. Existence.

You sigh tiredly and withdraw from your pocket a tartan-edged handkerchief. I survey you as you dry your tears and unceremoniously blow your nose. I smile slightly, but you cannot see this. I have a notion that you are going to retreat back into the castle and watch over your students that you more formally proclaim as your 'children', but you pause for a moment. My breath comes shallowly as I wonder with curious excitement if you can sense me.

"Oh Albus…." you murmur shakily as you gaze one last time at the sun before it is swallowed up behind the mountains and rolling hills of the meadows that we once lost ourselves in. My heart rate quickens as your words float into my ears, resting right in my heart as where all your words you ever say go. "Why have you left?" you lip quivers uncontrollably as you precariously seat yourself upon the grass near the lake. I seat myself beside you and make a vain attempt to tuck your loose bangs back behind your ear, but of course, it does not stay, as I always knew it wouldn't.

"_I have never left you my dear,"_ I say bluntly, putting an arm around you that seemed to fall uselessly inside you. But instead of ignoring this as with everything else, you stiffen, but then relax as my warmth enters into you. Your eyes close, and you begin weeping silently as I leave my arm around you for a while. Once you remember where you are, your eyes flicker open with a quaint expression. You look around everywhere, but nothing is there.

You then stare at nothing, and whisper as words tumble out your mouth as you choke, "Thank you--Albus."

I smile, and cannot leave you. The way your regard pierces the lake hurts me so. You're staring at the lake as you would at me, and I sigh remembering again. It comes to my attention that the time to leave is upon me, and yet, I cannot let go of the one piece I have hold of in this world. Your voice stabs the night again, but you look calmer now as you whisper, "I'm alright now. You can go Albus." You smile weakly as I linger, but I know you can never still be all right. The taint of lost love lingers in your breath, and all you can do is forgive me of my many blunders. Guilt plagues me as I reluctantly leave. Tears fall from your face as you smile at nothing, and it causes me more pain. I whisper the last words you cannot hear as you leave the lake and return into the walls of the castle.

_If only, if only, _

_I could be forever at your side,_

_With nothing to fear, _

_nor nothing to hide._

_We could stay together_

_Arms around each other._

_But alas, all good things _

_Must come to an end_

_For sometimes, it is simpler to leave_

_Than it is to contend._

_My dearest Minerva,_

_I have for too long loved thee_

_But please know this_

_I knew this to never be_

_For if you look upon my face_

_You'll see the love that I've misplaced._

_I've loved you forever and ever it's true_

_Much longer than you ever nor never knew_

_Now please don't weep in my memory_

_I'll send you smiles of love, but oh, so cleverly._

_I cannot say how much I love you_

_But I can say afresh and anew_

_If only if only I had loved you sooner!_

**If only, if _only_…..**


End file.
